When I became a parent, I was not prepared for all of the unsolicited advice that I would receive from my family and friends about how to raise my children. I learned very quickly that everyone is a critic and that most people have very different ideas from one another about parenting. Unfortunately, what I found hard to accept, and still have difficulty with to this day, was the level of hostility that others would exhibit upon realizing that you have no intention of changing anything about how you parent to conform to their standards.
The very first parenting issue that came up when I had my older son was the issue of religion. I am a non practicing Catholic and my husband was raised Pentecostal. We agreed way before having children that I would be in charge of my children’s spiritual upbringing. Obviously, my Mother In Law had different ideas about how to lay the spiritual foundation of MY kids so we disagreed vehemently on that point. That was the first time that I realized just how passionate others were about telling me how to raise MY kids. Although I was glad that they cared enough to share their thoughts and opinions, I was rather put off by how pushy they were in expressing their points of view…
Over the years I have continued to receive advice from others about everything from what I should be feeding my children to how I should be disciplining them. It’s like when a woman is pregnant and everyone thinks that they have the right to touch her stomach, everyone thinks that they have exclusive rights to the secrets of raising children and being a perfect parent. It’s amazing to me how many people have no boundaries in this department. I have even had people who don’t have any children of their own at all try to tell me what to do as a parent.
Recently, my mother and I had a disagreement on my children’s nutrition and diet. I allow my boys to have snacks after they eat dinner but I limit the kinds of snacks that they can have so that they don’t eat junk all the time. Most evenings, they will have a yogurt or a fruit after eating dinner and will only have cakes or ice cream from time to time. Unfortunately, I have always suspected that my mother is secretly related to Willy Wonka because she has an unsatiable sweet tooth. As a result of this, she often allows all of her grandsons to indulge in eating cookies and cakes. Her response to my ideas about monitoring my sons’ eating habits was to tell me that I should just let them be kids and allow them to eat whatever they want.
I have brought this subject up to other people whom I know and are parents. The concensus seems to be that this is a real problem in the life of anyone who has children. No matter how hard you are trying to be a great parent and to provide your children with a wonderful life, someone else thinks that they know how to do it better and has no qualms about sharing their ideas with you. Over time, this “constructive parenting criticism” can become overwhelming and it can really make you resent the person who keeps imposing their agenda on you.
So how do you deal with people who have no kinds of boundaries and feel they can tell you how to parent? I’m not sure that I have the answer to this question. What I can tell you is that I have gotten to the point that I give snarky responses in a deliberate attempt to be rude and nasty to those who presume to teach me how to raise my boys. After all, where are all thes do-gooders when my sons’ school tuition needs to be paid or when they need to be administered asthma treatments every four hours during the night even though there is work the next day?
It’s very easy to have the perfect parenting advice from a distance. The view on what is involved in raising children is much different for those of us who are in the trenches, day after day, trying to make a good life for our kids. It’s also very different from the point of view of our parents who already raised their children and have had plenty of time to reflect on what they did wrong as parents. The old saying is true, “Hindsight is 20/20.”
The lesson that society at large needs to learn is for people to think before they speak. Imagine how much less ignorant banter there would be in this world if some people spent more time thinking instead of running their mouths. This lesson certainly applies to this topic. Every parent has the right to raise their child or children according to his/her beliefs and lifestyle. Anyone who interferes and provides you with criticism for the purpose of perpetuating negativity and undermining your parenting skills needs to be put in their place. As parents we face enough obstacles and difficulties without having to deal with being put down by people who are supposed to be in our corner and who should praise us for being the very best parents that we could possibly be. Let’s build each other up instead of knocking each other down…
© 2011, Tough Cookie Mommy. All rights reserved.
That is soo true there is always someone there to undermine you.
Eschelle, that is exactly what they are trying to do, undermine us…
Eschelle, that is exactly what they are trying to do, undermine us…
Eschelle, that is exactly what they are trying to do, undermine us…
Love this post. Lets build each other up instead of competing to see who builds more! I get so annoyed when people offer advice and their life is way worse than yours. Just doesn’t make sense you know?? Anyway work it girl you said loud and clear. Very inspiring honesty in your post. Thanks for writing it.
Hi, Flor. I’m glad that you enjoyed this post. I agree, it is frustrating when others who don’t seem to have it all together themselves presume to tell you how to live your life. It really doesn’t make sense at all…
Hi, Flor. I’m glad that you enjoyed this post. I agree, it is frustrating when others who don’t seem to have it all together themselves presume to tell you how to live your life. It really doesn’t make sense at all…
Hi, Flor. I’m glad that you enjoyed this post. I agree, it is frustrating when others who don’t seem to have it all together themselves presume to tell you how to live your life. It really doesn’t make sense at all…
This is so true. I’ve had this problem for years with my family as well as the in-laws.
Hi, Natasha. I think others just feel that it is their duty to instruct you in the fine art of parenting.
Hi, Natasha. I think others just feel that it is their duty to instruct you in the fine art of parenting.
Hi, Natasha. I think others just feel that it is their duty to instruct you in the fine art of parenting.
I find the WORST aren’t the nosy, know-it-all ones, but rather the passive-aggressive ones with the underlying superior attitude. AUGGHH!
Stephanie, I know that you are just the person to address these women with “underlying superior attitudes.” 😉
Stephanie, I know that you are just the person to address these women with “underlying superior attitudes.” 😉
Stephanie, I know that you are just the person to address these women with “underlying superior attitudes.” 😉
Agreed! People can be so pushy and rude! It’s most sad when moms do it to each other. We need to stick together! All kids (and all moms) are different. And that is okay!
Julie, you are so right, it is absolutely okay for all of us to be different!
Julie, you are so right, it is absolutely okay for all of us to be different!
Julie, you are so right, it is absolutely okay for all of us to be different!
Agreed! People can be so pushy and rude! It’s most sad when moms do it to each other. We need to stick together! All kids (and all moms) are different. And that is okay!
I don’t get offended by others comments as it relates to parenting. I think people want to share what they have learn from their own mistakes. Just take it with a grain of salt. Just say…”Oh, okay” be kind and do what you know you are going to do any way.
I am sorry but I had to laugh…you were a “non practing Catholic” who married
a son of a Practicing Pentecostals…Oh my you do not even undertand how offended your mother-in-law may have been by your actions or comments because you may not understand the thought process of their religious belief
and she too doesn’t understand yours so the both of you may have been both offended and mad and none of you understand why the other feels that way.
I hope your husband explained things clearly to your mother-in-law so she doesn’t think you are “just raising those children with NO spiritual foundation,
just spiritually lost in the world.”
Look, everyone has opinion, that’s why we have two ears. Some things you have to let it go in one ear and then roll out the other. Enjoy your day!
Hi, there. Yes, I’m sure that a great deal of what we disagree upon has to do with our opposite beliefs. However, the difference between her and I is that I have never used religion to excuse bad behavior. If you go back into the archives of my blog, you will get a better picture of how her beliefs have been used as a crutch to defend her inappropriate acts. Unfortunately, my husband has never been able to explain much to her because she is rather closed minded when it comes to discussing anything that she does not agree with. Your comments were extremely thought provoking and I look forward to reading your perspectives on my relationship with her in the future. 🙂
I don’t get offended by others comments as it relates to parenting. I think people want to share what they have learn from their own mistakes. Just take it with a grain of salt. Just say…”Oh, okay” be kind and do what you know you are going to do any way.
I am sorry but I had to laugh…you were a “non practing Catholic” who married
a son of a Practicing Pentecostals…Oh my you do not even undertand how offended your mother-in-law may have been by your actions or comments because you may not understand the thought process of their religious belief
and she too doesn’t understand yours so the both of you may have been both offended and mad and none of you understand why the other feels that way.
I hope your husband explained things clearly to your mother-in-law so she doesn’t think you are “just raising those children with NO spiritual foundation,
just spiritually lost in the world.”
Look, everyone has opinion, that’s why we have two ears. Some things you have to let it go in one ear and then roll out the other. Enjoy your day!
ohhh i think i’m gonna love your blog! Glad i found you and i’m your newest follower, 580 Pretty good number i thought!
Thanks and hope to see you lot’s!
Leontien
http://www.fourleafcloverdairy.blogspot.com
Hi and welcome! Yes, 580 is a great number. I am glad that you are following and you like the blog.
ohhh i think i’m gonna love your blog! Glad i found you and i’m your newest follower, 580 Pretty good number i thought!
Thanks and hope to see you lot’s!
Leontien
http://www.fourleafcloverdairy.blogspot.com
I already follow thru GFC but if you need me to follow some other way just let me know. I am going to try & do reviews and had no idea that some companies look at FB numbers and Twitter so I have not promoted them as much as my GFC. I need help in FB the most with the other two being second. Anyway you can follow will be a great help! Thanks and let me know how I can help you, too!
[email protected]://mmbearcupoftea.blogspot.com
I already follow thru GFC but if you need me to follow some other way just let me know. I am going to try & do reviews and had no idea that some companies look at FB numbers and Twitter so I have not promoted them as much as my GFC. I need help in FB the most with the other two being second. Anyway you can follow will be a great help! Thanks and let me know how I can help you, too!
[email protected]://mmbearcupoftea.blogspot.com
Thanks for following. I think that PR companies look at a lot of factors when they are choosing bloggers to have business relationships with. Don’t get too hung up on the numbers and spend more time developing your rapport with your readers. I think your numbers will grow naturally once you focus on this…