10 Things They Failed To Tell You Before You Had Kids:

  
     This evening, we were sitting in the livingroom watching the Yankee game together before my husband left for work.  The boys were playing on the floor and my husband and I were sitting on the couch together and we would turn to talk to each other during the commercials.  During one of these commercial interruptions, my husband and I turned to each other and made some frisky comments back and forth and used code so the little people would not catch on to anything we were talking about.  It was during this moment that I realized the lengths that we go to in order to continue being romantic and spicy despite the constant presence of the little ones.

    You see, we love our children more than anything in the whole world, as I’m sure all of you do too.  We feel blessed to be their parents and we enjoy every minute that we have to spend with them.  Being a parent, though, definitely changes your life and there are some things that they fail to tell you before you become a parent.  Sure, they tell you a lot of generic stuff like how much work being a parent is and how it’s expensive having children.  What they don’t tell you is that a lot of little things that you used to take for granted will never be possible again in the same way that they were before your little bundles of joy turned your whole world upside down.

    I have noticed that some of you are new parents or soon to be parents so I decided to compile a list of things that others fail to tell you when you have children.  Those of you who have children already, or whose children are older, will surely chime in with additional items for the list or to vehemently agree with my own experiences as a parent.  So, without further ado, I give to you,

1. You will never, ever be able to use the bathroom in peace again. Be prepared to sit on the toilet and have your children either in the bathroom while you are in there or walking in and out of the bathroom while you are on the toilet or trying to take a shower.
2. Sex with your spouse will usually be interrupted by your kid knocking on your bedroom door, trying to get into your bedroom, a crying baby, or your kids bickering.
3. There is no such thing as sleeping for at least the first 3 years of your child’s life.
4. All of your friends or family members who told you they would babysit so you could have a date night with your spouse were lying.
5. Moms, forget about having time to put makeup on after you have kids.  You’ll be lucky if you have time to put on lipgloss and deodorant.
6. Your body will never, ever be the same after giving birth.
7. No matter how great your husband is, the bulk of the housework and taking care of the kids will fall on your shoulders.
8. The dirty laundry will never end and you will never be done doing laundry.
9. No more taking sick days from work to go shopping or just to take a mental health day.  You will have to save those days for when your children are sick and you need to call out to take care of them.
10. Finally, the last thing that they don’t tell you about having kids is the amount of bodily fluids that come out of their little bodies.  I had no idea that such a small person could produce that much mucus, spit-up, vomit, feces, urine, or tears.

    Now that I have armed you with this information, the only other advice that I could give you is to use the force and brace yourself.  As long as you stay strong and keep your eyes open, you should be okay.  Just remember, they can smell fear…

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