The MIL Strikes Again…

Posted By on August 17, 2011

    Those of you who are regular readers of this blog know that I do not have the best relationship with my Mother In Law.  Actually, to say that we have a bad relationship is an understatement, the woman hates me.  To fully understand the history between us, you would have to perform a search of this blog and go back in the archives to read about all the wonderful things that she has done to me over the years.

    My problem is that I am a glutton for punishment because, when it comes to family, I always let them get away with a lot more than I normally would with non-relatives.  This is probably what caused our most recent run-in with one another, the fact that I am a sucker for family and that she is determined to get at me in any way shape or form that she possibly could.  After the fact, I am still at a loss over whether I asked for it or whether she is just a truly disturbed individual.  You decide…

    Let me go back, if I may to about six months ago when I received a friend request on Facebook.  Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was from my MIL.  I was shocked for the obvious reasons like the fact that she hates me along with being surprised that she has enough technological knowledge to even open a Facebook account.  Against my better judgment, I accepted her request with good intentions.

    Now, before you go asking why I would be fool enough to add her to my friends’ list, let me discuss my personal reasons for the decision that I made.  She lives in South Carolina and has minimal contact with my children through her own choosing despite the fact that I have given her every opportunity to spend time with my boys.

    Since it has always bothered me that she doesn’t reach out as a grandmother to them, I figured that being able to see photos of my boys and how happy they are would influence her positively and make her want to pursue having some kind of relationship with them.  Another reason why I added her was that I was hoping that she was extending some kind of an olive branch and that it was the beginning of opening some type of productive communication between the two of us.

    Boy, was I wrong!  The first opportunity she got, she proceeded to argue with me on comment threads that had absolutely nothing to do with her.  Additionally, she has now become a Facebook minister and uses the opportunity to post religious propaganda to my timeline whenever she can.  The latter came as no surprise since she is very conservative and never wears makeup, jewelry, pants, or cuts her hair without her pastor’s permission.

    Two weeks ago, her three teenage daughters who are my husband’s sisters, came to visit.  They called me and my husband before they showed up and we had no idea that they were even in New York City.  Mind you, my husband has not seen any of them for almost a year and nobody even told us they were coming because visiting their brother was not on their parents’ itinerary for this trip since we are such heathens and we might turn them into devil worshippers or something.  In any case, we had a nice visit and they left.

    A week later, one of my friends came to visit without calling so I posted on Facebook that it is really important to call someone before you visit them because that is bad manners.  My MIL immediately goes into a tirade about how her daughters did not come without calling and that I am a liar who needs to buy some of the vitamins that she sells because there is something wrong with my brain.  This was hysterical considering that the status update was not even about her or her daughters.  As a matter of fact, they couldn’t be further from my mind when I posted that comment and I was taken aback that she would even internalize the update and assume that it was all about her.

    Of course, I responded in kind and told her that she owed me an apology for assuming things that had nothing to do with her and for insulting me publicly.  Then things got better…Her sister, who lives in another state and does not even have the best relationship with her to begin with, jumps in and proceeds to admonish me on the same comment thread for hurting my Sister in Laws’ feelings by saying that they were unwelcome guests in my house.  It’s amazing how feuding sisters suddenly become “Best Friends Forever” when they are united in bashing me.  How many times have I said by now that the update had nothing to do with my MIL or my husband’s sisters?  I forget.

    At the end of the day, the moral for me should be, “do not accept friend requests from people who probably have voodoo dolls of me and would contract a hitman to kill me if they had the money to do so.”  As usual, I come out looking like the snarky troll who doesn’t worship God properly and stole her precious son away from her.  Thank goodness my husband always has my back and continues to tell her that if she doesn’t respect his wife, there can be no relationship between him and her.  Obviously, that is not what I want nor is it what I have asked him to do.  However, that’s what MILs do when they launch attacks on their daughter in laws, they push their sons away…

© 2011, Tough Cookie Mommy. All rights reserved.

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About The Author

I am a wife, mother, Middle School English Language Arts teacher, career woman, and much more who has some things to say and some opinions and experiences to share...

Comments

  • Kkhladybug

    Wow. Just wow.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Yes, I am also often speechless at how ridiculous this woman is…

  • Kkhladybug

    Wow. Just wow.

  • http://thelucaszoo.blogspot.com Jessie

    Unfriend her.  I would not want that poison in my life either.  Bummer.

  • http://thelucaszoo.blogspot.com Jessie

    Unfriend her.  I would not want that poison in my life either.  Bummer.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Jessie, she is definitely toxic. It is a total bummer.

  • http://twitter.com/m0m23kidznKatz Missy

    Unfriend, and even BLOCK the evil and crazy woman. You don’t need that, and nor does your husband. It’s HER doing if there is no relationship between her and her son. Not yours. If she is that hateful, you don’t need her in your life. Online or off.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Missy, my husband thinks I waste a lot of time because I have continued to reach out to her all of these years. I guess I keep hoping that she will come around. It bothers me that she would go this far to prove her point by causing irreparable damage to her relationship with her sons and grandsons.

  • Natasha Hemsley

    I hate to say it but it seems to me that she only requested to be your friend on facebook so that she could make nasty comments. I would block her.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Natasha, I think you are right. She just wanted to have her nose in my business and take advantage of every opportunity to create problems. Don’t you think deleting her would make her think she affected me? I wouldn’t want to give her that much power…

  • Jill DeMarco

    i hate my sister in law.  and that’s an understatement.  the feeling is mutual.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Lol, Jill, sounds like you have your own thorn in your side. I’ve been pretty lucky with my Sister in Law. Although we have had some disagreements in the past, our relationship has definitely improved and I am enjoying having her in my life and my sons’ lives. But then, my SIL is normal not like my MIL…

  • http://twitter.com/lilgreenfish Amy

    Wow.  That is just…wow.  How can she think it was about her daughters?  It was a week later!

    My ex’s parents are wonderful.  My parents like my ex.  A huge win all around for my daughter.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Amy, you have no idea how lucky you are. My MIL is a nightmare and she thinks everything is always about her, all the time. She is a true narcissist, in my humble opinion.

  • Janet Krugel

    I agree with the Unfriend comments – wonder how long it would take her to notice? :) I am actually surprised this has not started happening to me with my MIL. I “converted” her Jewish son into a Christian (when it was actually his idea in the first place) and I never return phone calls. I am lucky in that my husband does not actually speak to his family except in occasional calls made out of some leftover guilt. We walked out of their home two years ago, taking their first grandbaby with us, and they haven’t invited us back.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Janet, I think she would notice right away because I imagine that she trolls my page combing through every comment and photo. The reason I know this is that I receive random comments on FB photos at all hours of the morning and night. She obviously spends quite a bit of time on my profile. Although you are lucky, it is sad that we have to resort to this kind of behavior because we are dealing with unstable people.

  • BiculturalMama

    DE-FRIEND HER RIGHT AWAY! She’s using this to see what you’re up to. If she doesn’t like it, just tell her that FB is not meant to be used as a place to bash other people and if she can’t respect that then she doesn’t need to be your “friend”.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Maria, I’m actually on the fence about this. Although she aggravates me, I am not sure that deleting her is the answer. I would hate to think that doing so would give her the sense that she intimidated me or upset me to that point. She is definitely using Facebook to take her tyranny to a whole new level.

  • Tiffany

    Extended family is not as important as immediate family. We have recently cut my MIL off after 3 years of torture. I drew the line in the sand. Here is a good post about it… www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2007/03/what-does-it-mean-to-leave-and-cleave-in-traditional-wedding-vows-how-do-you-balance-leave-and-cleave-with-honoring-your-parents.html After choosing her own mother and father over my husband’s father and ruining their marriage 22 years ago, I wasn’t going to let her do it to ours. My FIL and his wife love us and respect us as a family unit. I’m not saying family isn’t important, but I don’t let anyone get away with treating me poorly. It hurts my heart that there are so many horrible MILs out there. Heck, I’ve even become estranged from my parents because they refuse to admit my mom needs a psychiatrist. I have two kids, a husband that is currently deployed, and this is my first time not working out of the home. I have enough in my own life to worry about than to be bothered by other people’s problems just to save relationships among family members.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Tiffany, I completely agree with you. However, I have never really considered parents and grandparents to be extended family. As far as I’m concerned, they are immediate family and I fully expected my MIL to be a loving grandparent to my boys until I realized the extent of her dysfunction. I feel the same way, I also have enough on my plate to even think about adding someone else’s issues and drama to the mix.

  • http://www.Beforeandafter50.blogspot.com Denise

    Wow.  I have gone through it with my mother-in-law and never thought I would encounter someone with a similar story.  You are so right- MILs like that push their sons away.  But before that, she certainly worked and at times succeeded in causing problems in our marriage or making many problems worse.  I feel your pain, anger, and everything else you have gone through.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Hi, Denise. I’ve been lucky in that respect. For the most part, she has not succeeded in creating a rift between my husband and I. I think that is in large part because my husband is well aware that she is a complete nutcase. She definitely has made me feel a spectrum of pain, anger, and just plain disgust at her behavior. I’m sorry you are in the same boat with your MIL.

  • http://www.fromtracie.com From Tracie

    I’m so sorry you have such a miserable mother in law situation. I understand, because mine is pretty bad too. We have gone through the times of no communications, and then she will come and try to make nice (because she does want a relationship with her granddaughter) and we will let her back in, only to be burned again a few moths later. It is an awful cycle.

    One thing you could do is prevent her from seeing your status updates….just pictures of the kids or specific neutral updates. Of course, it is hard, when you deal with an irrational person who is out to make problems to know exactly what kind of status would be considered neutral. ugh. 

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Type your reply…Tracie, that is what makes this whole situation especially difficult, I never know what is going to set her off. It seems that the biggest issue that she has with me is the religion issue. Unfortunately for her, I respect everyone’s right to worship in their own way but I am not converting just to make her happy. That has always been out of the question. It is disgusting that she would throw her relationship with my husband and my sons by the wayside for her own selfish reasons. I love how you called it an awful cycle because that is exactly what it feels like.

  • Hungrigyrl

    Oh goodness, you’ve got trouble on your hands! there must be a way you can change your settings on Facebook so they only see certain things. And also a way you can block or hide their postings on your wall. I hope so for your sake! You are a nice daughter in law for assuming their initial intentions were good. 

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m starting to wonder if I’m nice or stupid at this point because I always find myself knee-deep in it when it comes to this woman. ;)

  • Ruth Hill

    Well, I know I have to follow you now.  I just happened to hop on over to your blog from Mommy Living the Life of Riley, and I was drawn into this story.  I am so sorry you have had to put up with this.  I don’t know your whole story–just found you–but I know about facebook issues.  I’ll mention mine in passing.  My niece unfriended me out of the blue because a dog viciously attacked me earlier this year, and my friend had the audacity to shoot the dog.  It’s a long story, but I was totally shocked when I discovered she did it and then why she did.

    Your mother-in-law and my dad should get together.  My dad has some weird religious views that he tried to push on us.  He goes to a different church than the rest of us.  He basically thinks that since we don’t go to his church, we are heathens.  I have to share a house with him however!  But that’s a long story too.

    Glad I found you, and I am hitting the join button right after this comment.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Hi, Ruth. I’m sorry you are going through some similar issues with your family members. The religion issue has never been one on my end but my MIL is a fanatic and she is very pushy and judgmental towards those who do not follow her beliefs. Sounds like Facebook brought you a whole new set of problems too. I would love to hear all about the incident with the dog. You can read up on the MIL history in my posts by searching the archives. It is so great to connect with you.

  • Anonymous

    I have an MIL who hates me as well. Made the mistake of friending on her FB also. Put her in a special list and limited what she saw, but it still blew up on me. Fortunately, like you, my hubby has my back and has made it clear he will not tolerate her bashing me. I totally understand what this is like. It sucks.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Thank goodness for our husbands! Could you imagine what this would be like if we had husbands who supported and enabled their mothers’ poor behavior? I’m so sorry you have to go through this too…

  • http://twitter.com/MeandtheMexican Me and the Mexican

    Sorry bout the MIL issues.  My MIL lives in Mexico.  I barely ever see her.  I usually talk to her for a couple of minutes when my husband calls her.  I would love to think we’d have a great relationship but who knows.
    Some people really like to create drama.  I hope things calm down soon.  Enjoyed reading your post!

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      I’m so glad that you enjoyed the post. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. I completely agree with you, some people enjoy creating and being involved in drama. I am definitely not one of those people.

  • http://www.biculturalmom.com Chantilly Patiño

    I can totally relate.  My mother in law….and even more so, my sister in law, is really terrible.  I’ve written quite a bit about it, but at this point, we’re not speaking anymore…and thank God.  Because if we did, she’d tell me that I’m not “allowed” to have a blog and that I shouldn’t be giving out “family details” about my life or relationships.  Of course, she’s super secretive about everything…and has a million and a half phobias!  lol

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      You know, Chantilly, deep down I think it is ignorance and fear that drives some of my MIL’s actions. She hides behind her fanaticism and judgment of others and never lets anyone in. I think she must be a very lonely person deep down inside. I’m so surprised that so many of you are going through similar experiences with your Inlaws.

  • http://twitter.com/NewYorkChica Lisa Perez

    WOW! She is def something else! I wouldn’t delete her, I would just remove her from seeing any important things/postings except the kids pictures. That’s it. i think deleting her would add more flames to the fire and you don’t need that. And plus, don’t give her that satisfaction! Carajo! LOL

    Did you read my in-law issue: http://newyorkchica.com/2011/08/family-matters-or-does-it/

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Exactly, that’s how I feel Lisa! Why should I give her the satisfaction of deleting her and giving her importance? I don’t know if I could limit her from the timeline without revoking her access to the photos. I am definitely going to check into that. I’m heading over to read all about your issue right now!

  • Chela Brito

    Maria, unless there is some way to hide *everything* except photos, I think your best bet is to unfriend and/or
    block her. Keeping her as a friend simply because
    you’re worried about how she will interpret it is giving her much more
    power than she deserves. Who cares what she thinks??? If she wants to
    think she intimidated you, WHO CARES? Honestly, it’s not like she could
    get any meaner…and at least this way, you won’t have to see it. As you
    said, anything can set her off. Do you really want to open
    your FB account every day just to see stupid comments from her for the rest of your
    life? So if you put up with that just because you don’t want to give
    her the satisfaction of thinking she got to you, then she’s won.
    She still gets the satisfaction of spewing her hatred at you. Life is
    too short to deal with that. You wouldn’t put up with her calling you
    daily to rant at you, would you? Take away her power. Mail her photos of the boys if
    you want, but don’t give her unfettered access to harass you.

    I’m so sorry
    you have to deal with this situation. I know you want her in your sons’
    lives, but right now that’s not her focus. We can’t make people
    who we want them to be, as much as it might hurt to realize that…

  • JCK

    my goodness, maria!  talk about the mother in law from hell.  so sorry you have to deal with such nonsense.  you’re best bet is to remove her from your fb profile.  you don’t have to put up with that at all.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Tell me about it, Jen! I just blocked her from my timeline today. I’m sure this will annoy her to no end. Hopefully she won’t find another way to start problems. She seems to be very good at doing that…

  • Good Steward Savers!

    Maria,
    I understand completely what you are going through.  I went through the same thing when I was married. I was the first daughter in law so I was attacked the worst. My MIL went on to be instrumental in breaking up 2 more marriages.
    Its good that your husband is standing by your side. Stay strong!!!
    Hugs and God Bless,
    Anne xoxoxo

  • http://www.couponsavingsinthesouth.com/ Coupon Savings In The South

    I had MIL issues, a very long story, were also from SC LOL. My Mil did not raise her son and so on but she was thinking she would tell me how to raise my daughter um I do not think so. Anyway about 6 or 7 years ago we were in Myrtle Beach she was acting strange, well after that weekend we had not talked, can not remember all the exact details that went on but many years passed even my husband had issues with her. We found out she was sick, I can not say for sure what kind of illness she had , she lost tons of weight had to quit work and so on. Well about 2 years ago she kept trying to make up with my husband and they did talk more than before. She was also in a very bad marriage. She knew she was dying and trying to take care of all loose ends. Hubby was the only child.I only saw her once during those years and she was in the hospital. This past Nov. her husband that did not live with her kept calling my husband saying have you checked on your mom, for several days. We did not live in the same town as her, my husband said I have called but she is not answering. WEll on the 4th day of not being able to reach her my husband was in Charlotte and decided to call the police to check on her and they found her dead on her front porch. No charges has been filed but she was unable to walk without a walker due to her illness, the walker was in the bathroom of her house.

    I wish we could have mended our problems but I do not dwell on it. Hopefully one day your MIL will change and you will get along.

    • http://toughcookiemommy.com Tough Cookie Mommy

      Shannon, that is one of the things that I am worried about, that my husband will never have the opportunity to resolve a lot of the issues that he has with his mother and will be left with all the bad feelings if something happens to her. I’m sure this is exactly what is going to happen because you just cannot talk to her or reason with her. It is sad that your MIL waited until the end of her life to try to connect with your husband. Don’t these women realize that life is too short to alienate your children and your family simply because of stubborn pride?

  • Working Mommy

    Oh yikes! I am so sorry that your relationship is so volatile. I’d almost say that you should delete her from your friends list, but that would be buying into her drama. The best thing you can do for yourself is to just ignore her – as difficult as it may be! Let her think what she wants.

    WM

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