Can Women Raise Men?
Posted By Tough Cookie Mommy on August 20, 2011
I was just having a conversation with my brother yesterday about how there are certain things that boys have to learn when they are growing up about being men and about defending themselves. It was interesting to see how our points of view differed on certain points because of our gender differences and it really made me think about the fact that it is extremely important for male children to have positive male role models in their lives. As good as our intentions are in raising our boys to be good men, he stated that there are just certain things that only a man can teach another man.
This became apparent when our conversation turned to the topic of bullying and self defense. As a mother, my first reaction if my sons have issues like this in school is to alert the school authorities and to try to talk through the problem. My brother argued that this path does not always lead to a solution and that male children need to know how to defend themselves physically should the need arise that they find themselves in some kind of a fight. He contended that men are naturally more aggressive than women are and that there comes a time in every man’s life when he has to stand up and fight.
Although I don’t advocate violence of any kind, I know that there is some truth to what he is saying due to my experiences as an educator. My male students are very physical and rough in the way they interact during sports activities and even during regular daily exchanges. Many times, this kind of horseplay gets serious and it leads to fist fights or scuffles where I have to separate these boys from wrestling around on the floor.
So the question then becomes whether it’s realistic to strictly advocate for non-violence when you are raising male children and if that is setting them up to become victims in this society where there are problems with bullying everywhere you turn around. My brother seems to think that this makes our boys targets for this kind of abuse and has made the decision to have his son in boxing classes for the past few months in order for his son to learn how to defend himself in a controlled environment.
I should probably add that his decision came after the fact that his son was bullied by a boy in his class numerous times. My brother and my Sister in Law alerted the teacher and Principal about what was going on and nothing really changed so they feel that they had no choice but to take matters into their own hands in order to empower their child to not fall into a pattern of being victimized. They were very concerned about the messages that my nephew was receiving about the rewards of doing the right thing when he continued to be abused in class despite the fact that he repeatedly reported the problem to his teacher.
As a mother, I have to say that I am somewhat torn about this whole issue. I realize that my sons have to know how to defend themselves because of the society that we live in and the messages that we give males about pride and competition. I’m not ashamed to say that I tell my boys not to let anyone put their hands on them and to hit back if someone hits them first. That’s the way that I was raised and that is the way that I am raising my children.
As an educator, however, I also realize that these messages can also confuse children who don’t always know when it is appropriate to react a certain way when they are feeling threatened. Also, it is not conducive to a learning environment to have children taking matters into their own hands and using their hands to solve conflicts instead of using words to communicate their feelings to one another. There is a fine line between being a victim and being an aggressor.
At the end of the day, it seems that both genders have very different ideas about how male children should be raised. Are we as mothers doing a disservice to our sons by expecting them to be pacifists and to adopt non-violent stances? My brother argues that by doing this, we are inadvertently pigeonholing our boys into the roles of victims and targets. What do you think?
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